| "Legend of the Jersey Devil" |
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13th Child
DVD/APPROX. 98 MINS/2002/USA R18+
DVD/APPROX. 98 MINS/2002/USA R18+
1
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I didn't know anything about the Jersey Devil before I saw The Last Broadcast. The legend is pretty interesting, so I was curious why I had not
stumbled across it in film before. After seeing The 13th Child, I’m hoping I never do again…
The movie begins with an eyewitness account of the Devil. Then the movie cuts to a flashback set 20 years ago, then flashes forward and says it’s
October 31st, present day. That’s a dumb thing to do, because as I sit writing this, it’s actually October 24th. After that the film plays its only ace,
and reveals that Benson is in it. Benson’s stuck in a psych ward because everyone thinks he’s crazy, probably because he claims to have seen the
Jersey Devil. Some lady gets called in to look into recent deaths in the area, and she starts working with the guy that felt up Brooke Shields in
Blue Lagoon. She ends up looking for help from some reclusive animal studier, who must not study too much since he thinks cobras being
charmed respond to the sound of the clarinet, and eventually meets the resident baddie.
I don't know what BalSac from GWAR is doing hanging around Jersey so much. Or why he decided his original costume looked too expensive.
Or why he didn't bring his guitar. Or why he just completely sucks now.
The 13th Child suffers from very flat dialog and acting, and isn't salvaged by a directorial style with less crackle than a bowl of soggy Rice Bubbles.
It’s as if stupidity encroaches on every element of the film. A man does some poaching, then sits in his car drinking, takes a nap, and leaves the
criminal carcass in plain view! Characters make really pointless jokes. How’s this for a laugh, there’s an officer whose nickname is M&M. Can’t let
that go by without a rapper joke, so the lead replies that she’s called Lil’ Kim. Now, here comes the punch line, when M asks why Blue Lagoon boy
calls her Kate if everyone calls her Lil’ Kim, she responds “’Cause I let him.” Oh, gentle wit, how thee doth move me. As they’re developing this
clever repertoire, they walk away from a crime scene…and appear to leave it. I guess the law is so good in the area they can just abandon the
site of a murder and not worry about anything interfering, whether it be man or nature.
The thing that I found the stupidest was a truly retarded bit of casting for some minor parts. You may be wondering why I’d pick on casting for bit
players when the leads are all atrocious. Hell, even Benson’s not very good, so how can I complain about two thespians with very little screen
time that don’t actually perform much worse than their peers. The problem is that there re-cast as teens seeking to fuck in a secluded trailer, and
they are quite possibly the oldest teens EVER to be found in a movie. In fact, they are SO old, that if not for the corny teen-like dialog, I wouldn't
even have known they were supposed to be teens until they get picked up by cops who mention something about their age. This was just
ridiculous. If you can’t find a couple of people under 47 to play your youths, cut them out of the fucking movie!
The DVD presents The 13th Child at 1.33:1, and appears to be cropped. If the movie itself isn't torture enough, there’s also a making of that
features some stuff about the myth of the devil. I don’t mind the “history,” but it’s mixed with behind the scenes footage and interviews from
people involved with the film who incredulously laud the talents of the cast and crew. There are a few clips of the film that appear letter boxed,
which leads me to believe that the film isn't supposed to be full frame. There’s a bunch more crap in the deleted scenes, which appear at about
1.85:1, which makes me wonder if the stupidity of the film didn't also bleed through to the company that released it and then pan and scanned the
damn thing. Of course, if they were stupid enough to pick up the film for release to begin with, they’re probably so retarded that they could be
persuaded that pumpkins make for a good, natural epidural tool. The DVD also has the film’s trailer, a quick view of which would of saved the hunk
of my life that the movie took, BIOS for a lot of the cast, filmographies for some of the people involved, and claims to have a preview option. I
couldn't get that extra to work. Maybe the stupidity also seeped into this particular viewer.
stumbled across it in film before. After seeing The 13th Child, I’m hoping I never do again…
The movie begins with an eyewitness account of the Devil. Then the movie cuts to a flashback set 20 years ago, then flashes forward and says it’s
October 31st, present day. That’s a dumb thing to do, because as I sit writing this, it’s actually October 24th. After that the film plays its only ace,
and reveals that Benson is in it. Benson’s stuck in a psych ward because everyone thinks he’s crazy, probably because he claims to have seen the
Jersey Devil. Some lady gets called in to look into recent deaths in the area, and she starts working with the guy that felt up Brooke Shields in
Blue Lagoon. She ends up looking for help from some reclusive animal studier, who must not study too much since he thinks cobras being
charmed respond to the sound of the clarinet, and eventually meets the resident baddie.
I don't know what BalSac from GWAR is doing hanging around Jersey so much. Or why he decided his original costume looked too expensive.
Or why he didn't bring his guitar. Or why he just completely sucks now.
The 13th Child suffers from very flat dialog and acting, and isn't salvaged by a directorial style with less crackle than a bowl of soggy Rice Bubbles.
It’s as if stupidity encroaches on every element of the film. A man does some poaching, then sits in his car drinking, takes a nap, and leaves the
criminal carcass in plain view! Characters make really pointless jokes. How’s this for a laugh, there’s an officer whose nickname is M&M. Can’t let
that go by without a rapper joke, so the lead replies that she’s called Lil’ Kim. Now, here comes the punch line, when M asks why Blue Lagoon boy
calls her Kate if everyone calls her Lil’ Kim, she responds “’Cause I let him.” Oh, gentle wit, how thee doth move me. As they’re developing this
clever repertoire, they walk away from a crime scene…and appear to leave it. I guess the law is so good in the area they can just abandon the
site of a murder and not worry about anything interfering, whether it be man or nature.
The thing that I found the stupidest was a truly retarded bit of casting for some minor parts. You may be wondering why I’d pick on casting for bit
players when the leads are all atrocious. Hell, even Benson’s not very good, so how can I complain about two thespians with very little screen
time that don’t actually perform much worse than their peers. The problem is that there re-cast as teens seeking to fuck in a secluded trailer, and
they are quite possibly the oldest teens EVER to be found in a movie. In fact, they are SO old, that if not for the corny teen-like dialog, I wouldn't
even have known they were supposed to be teens until they get picked up by cops who mention something about their age. This was just
ridiculous. If you can’t find a couple of people under 47 to play your youths, cut them out of the fucking movie!
The DVD presents The 13th Child at 1.33:1, and appears to be cropped. If the movie itself isn't torture enough, there’s also a making of that
features some stuff about the myth of the devil. I don’t mind the “history,” but it’s mixed with behind the scenes footage and interviews from
people involved with the film who incredulously laud the talents of the cast and crew. There are a few clips of the film that appear letter boxed,
which leads me to believe that the film isn't supposed to be full frame. There’s a bunch more crap in the deleted scenes, which appear at about
1.85:1, which makes me wonder if the stupidity of the film didn't also bleed through to the company that released it and then pan and scanned the
damn thing. Of course, if they were stupid enough to pick up the film for release to begin with, they’re probably so retarded that they could be
persuaded that pumpkins make for a good, natural epidural tool. The DVD also has the film’s trailer, a quick view of which would of saved the hunk
of my life that the movie took, BIOS for a lot of the cast, filmographies for some of the people involved, and claims to have a preview option. I
couldn't get that extra to work. Maybe the stupidity also seeped into this particular viewer.
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