| "A New World, Deep Below The Ocean. Has Declared War On Ours" |
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30,000 Leagues Under The Sea
DVD/APPROX. 85 MINS/2007/USA PG13+
DVD/APPROX. 85 MINS/2007/USA PG13+
4
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Nobody told me Lorenzo Lamas was in this… Argh, no, I’m having flashbacks to Renegade! Anyhoo, feeble attempts at comedy aside, this is rather
obviously a riff on Jules Verne’s classic tale, except 10,000 leagues deeper…
USS nuclear sub Scotia has gone missing, and is loaded with a whole bunch of nuclear missiles it shouldn’t be, and on the hunt is a dysfunctional
husband and wife rescue team, with a few helpers – the ex-wife, played by Natalie Stone, being a complete cunt. The Aquanaut 3 (the rescue
vessel) runs into a few problems – the biggest being Captain Nemo and his mobile aquatic wonder-palace, the Nautilus.
It’s impossible to watch this without comparing it to the Disney version I saw as a kid. And that version had James Mason and Kirk Douglas in the
two lead roles – no such luck - or charisma, or gravitas - here. And if you don’t buy the Nemo character, the film tanks – and this one unfortunately
does. Nemo has to be a sympathetic sociopath whose rage against the above-ocean world seems justified, or at least understandable. Here it
seems more like a petulant hissy-fit.
The fantastical charm of the original is sadly lacking here; the tale is presented with none of the flair and romance of Verne’s novel, more as a
mundane political thriller with sci-fi touches, a la The Hunt for Red October. A poor reference point, perhaps, but one that’s even mentioned on the
cover of the disc. We end up with what was originally a rollicking adventure yarn, here told without any kind of excitement or tension. Lawlor and
Lamas are more serviceable actors than the roles they’ve been given here – I place the blame squarely on the heads of the writer and director.
But at least it might make people go back to the source material, which is the best I can say for it.
So Nemo’s hatred of the landlubber world seems to be based on disappointment built on misanthropy – a billionaire idealist fed-up with how awful
the human race has become, and how crap we all treat each other. His solution? Give up on the rest of the species, move under the sea and start
again (and yes, I did keep thinking of that episode of The Simpsons where Homer has the same idea and has his little song and dance routine to
the tune of that song from The Little Mermaid) – in Atlantis, which he has conveniently found (I didn’t buy it in the original, either), using Aronnax’s
(Lamas’ character’s) oxygenator (a machine that can convert water to air) to breathe life into the ancient sunken city – a plot device to explain why
Aronnax is captured and kept alive.
We get all the character stereotypes you’d expect from a US action production: the laconic trustworthy hero, his faithful sidekicks, the woman you
love to hate, the Bond-style villain, the treacherous cowardly back-stabbing bastard – this could have been handled with so much more regard for
its audience’s intelligence. I was recently reviewing John Woo’s action film The Killer for another site – that is a film that shows you how to
breathe new life into old clichés. 30, 000 Leagues Under the Sea just re-treads what we’ve seen before, oh so many times. The only difference
between this and all those other moronic countless big-budget US actioners? It doesn’t star Schwarzenegger or Van Damme.
One glaring plot hole: quite early in the film, one character quite rightly asserts that scuba gear at the depths we’re dealing with are useless, and
so they were all dumped – do can someone explain to me why certain characters are outside submarines in unpressurised suits at the end of the
film?
This is a difficult film to write about, because there’s nothing much to say about it, Seriously, this was 85 minutes of me scratching my nuts and
wondering what the hell I was going to write. The acting was pretty awful – rudimentary at best, the script abysmal (Captain Nemo’s dialogue
being especially wretched – I felt sorry for actor Sean Lawlor; he seemed like a first rate actor trapped in a third rate role), the special effects
underwhelming (particularly considering this must have had a reasonable budget), the cast were charisma-free. There was nothing to say one way
or t’other. I saw 20, 000 Leagues Under the Sea when I was a kid – this was not much different, besides being less interesting and engaging. It’
s funny – when I was telling my brother about this film and its basic plot, he scoffed, “30,000 leagues? What, do they end up in the Marianas
Trench or something?” My response: “Umm, actually…yes…” If it’s that predictable to someone who hasn’t even seen it, imagine my response,
having seen it.
One thing I found odd from a film of this budget was how poor the sound was. I don’t have the best AV hook-up, admittedly, but sound shouldn’t
distort quite so frequently, regardless. And it was usually only on character voices, not sound effects, which struck me as even stranger.
And I could have done without the deus ex machine ending. It seemed a little too much to bear. I never bought it in Greek tragedy, as in Medea,
and I don’t buy it here.
The CG squids were fun – although under-used (but I have to say that I didn’t like the way the squids were suddenly controlled, rather than being
an arbitrary force of nature as in the original, which was kind of their point in the first place) - but I’ve gotta say, overall the whole experience was,
well… rubbish. This is no better, and indeed is markedly worse than the Disney version, and holds even less in the way of thrills and chills. A failure,
and also a perfect example of why you should never try re-making not only films generally, but classics, specifically.
obviously a riff on Jules Verne’s classic tale, except 10,000 leagues deeper…
USS nuclear sub Scotia has gone missing, and is loaded with a whole bunch of nuclear missiles it shouldn’t be, and on the hunt is a dysfunctional
husband and wife rescue team, with a few helpers – the ex-wife, played by Natalie Stone, being a complete cunt. The Aquanaut 3 (the rescue
vessel) runs into a few problems – the biggest being Captain Nemo and his mobile aquatic wonder-palace, the Nautilus.
It’s impossible to watch this without comparing it to the Disney version I saw as a kid. And that version had James Mason and Kirk Douglas in the
two lead roles – no such luck - or charisma, or gravitas - here. And if you don’t buy the Nemo character, the film tanks – and this one unfortunately
does. Nemo has to be a sympathetic sociopath whose rage against the above-ocean world seems justified, or at least understandable. Here it
seems more like a petulant hissy-fit.
The fantastical charm of the original is sadly lacking here; the tale is presented with none of the flair and romance of Verne’s novel, more as a
mundane political thriller with sci-fi touches, a la The Hunt for Red October. A poor reference point, perhaps, but one that’s even mentioned on the
cover of the disc. We end up with what was originally a rollicking adventure yarn, here told without any kind of excitement or tension. Lawlor and
Lamas are more serviceable actors than the roles they’ve been given here – I place the blame squarely on the heads of the writer and director.
But at least it might make people go back to the source material, which is the best I can say for it.
So Nemo’s hatred of the landlubber world seems to be based on disappointment built on misanthropy – a billionaire idealist fed-up with how awful
the human race has become, and how crap we all treat each other. His solution? Give up on the rest of the species, move under the sea and start
again (and yes, I did keep thinking of that episode of The Simpsons where Homer has the same idea and has his little song and dance routine to
the tune of that song from The Little Mermaid) – in Atlantis, which he has conveniently found (I didn’t buy it in the original, either), using Aronnax’s
(Lamas’ character’s) oxygenator (a machine that can convert water to air) to breathe life into the ancient sunken city – a plot device to explain why
Aronnax is captured and kept alive.
We get all the character stereotypes you’d expect from a US action production: the laconic trustworthy hero, his faithful sidekicks, the woman you
love to hate, the Bond-style villain, the treacherous cowardly back-stabbing bastard – this could have been handled with so much more regard for
its audience’s intelligence. I was recently reviewing John Woo’s action film The Killer for another site – that is a film that shows you how to
breathe new life into old clichés. 30, 000 Leagues Under the Sea just re-treads what we’ve seen before, oh so many times. The only difference
between this and all those other moronic countless big-budget US actioners? It doesn’t star Schwarzenegger or Van Damme.
One glaring plot hole: quite early in the film, one character quite rightly asserts that scuba gear at the depths we’re dealing with are useless, and
so they were all dumped – do can someone explain to me why certain characters are outside submarines in unpressurised suits at the end of the
film?
This is a difficult film to write about, because there’s nothing much to say about it, Seriously, this was 85 minutes of me scratching my nuts and
wondering what the hell I was going to write. The acting was pretty awful – rudimentary at best, the script abysmal (Captain Nemo’s dialogue
being especially wretched – I felt sorry for actor Sean Lawlor; he seemed like a first rate actor trapped in a third rate role), the special effects
underwhelming (particularly considering this must have had a reasonable budget), the cast were charisma-free. There was nothing to say one way
or t’other. I saw 20, 000 Leagues Under the Sea when I was a kid – this was not much different, besides being less interesting and engaging. It’
s funny – when I was telling my brother about this film and its basic plot, he scoffed, “30,000 leagues? What, do they end up in the Marianas
Trench or something?” My response: “Umm, actually…yes…” If it’s that predictable to someone who hasn’t even seen it, imagine my response,
having seen it.
One thing I found odd from a film of this budget was how poor the sound was. I don’t have the best AV hook-up, admittedly, but sound shouldn’t
distort quite so frequently, regardless. And it was usually only on character voices, not sound effects, which struck me as even stranger.
And I could have done without the deus ex machine ending. It seemed a little too much to bear. I never bought it in Greek tragedy, as in Medea,
and I don’t buy it here.
The CG squids were fun – although under-used (but I have to say that I didn’t like the way the squids were suddenly controlled, rather than being
an arbitrary force of nature as in the original, which was kind of their point in the first place) - but I’ve gotta say, overall the whole experience was,
well… rubbish. This is no better, and indeed is markedly worse than the Disney version, and holds even less in the way of thrills and chills. A failure,
and also a perfect example of why you should never try re-making not only films generally, but classics, specifically.
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