| "One last hero..." |
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Wheels of Fire
BOOTLEG/APPROX. 81 MINS/1984/USA R18+
BOOTLEG/APPROX. 81 MINS/1984/USA R18+
10
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This movie is why I love my job! A B-Grade trashy post holocaust Mad Max rip off with a hero called Trace (or as we shall know him Max Lite)
played by some nobody called Garry Watkins who looks a little like John Leslie slumming it. He drives around a barren wasteland in a suped up V8
with spikes on the front, a turbo in the back, a flame thrower on the roof and a smirk on his face. (Perhaps the smirk is because of how he looks a
little like John Leslie slumming it?)
The movie kicks off with Max Lite turning up at a nomad camp to see his leather clad little sister Arlie (played by Playboy playmate and Joystick’s
starlet Lynda Wiesmeier) she isn’t so little and has hooked up with some goose called Beau (but not the guy from Days of our Lives). There’s a bit
of a fight and Max Lite and Arlie have to do some serious driving/escaping whilst being pursued by the roll-cage cars and the bikes with guns
mounted on them and all that sort of post nuclear stuff. But of course, Max Lite has taught his sister well and they drive themselves out of trouble
after wasting a couple of car loads of leather bound grease monkeys because as we all know in the future when a bad guy’s car hits something or
rolls over it always explodes. Beau is a bit of a jerk though and when the siblings take separate roads to try and escape another roaming gang of
road pirates led by some bloke called Scourge (or Scorge depending on the dubbing) Beau insists on stopping for some nookie which results in a
crew of bad guys led by a fat Chuck Norris lookalike catching up with them. Beau shows his true colours then by offering Arlie and the car to the
bad guys thinking he can save his own ass but these guys bat both ways as Beau soon discovers. Fat Chuck however wants a piece of Arlie but
Scourge stops him because being the boss man he’s got first dibs and he hates having Fat Chuck’s sloppy seconds. Scourge and Fat Chuck take
Arlie back to their camp by the sea (huh? Where’s the desert gone?) via the scenic route with her tied topless to the bonnet of the car. The picnic
tables around sort of ruin the evil bad guy vibe but Scourge soon has Arlie tied up to a post and still topless while he tries his charms on her.
Scourge is played by Joseph Anderson (well that’s one of his names) who is one of the few people in this movie that seems to have gone on to do
anything else including direction, writing and production. Just thought I should mention that to try and score some nerd points. Back to the plot;
meanwhile Max Lite has beaten up some bad guys, put Beau out of his misery and rescued some tough chick called Stinger who has got herself
into a spot of bother with Scourge’s minions. Stinger is a falconer amongst other things. She’s also pretty damn ugly but I guess Max Lite has
spent a lot of time alone because he doesn’t seem to notice that.
We then cross to an old jalopy being chased by more of Scourge’s men (just how many minions does this fucker have?). Grandpa sends his
peasant gal granddaughter off into the dunes while he leads the bad guys the other way. The next morning Stinger comes across the jalopy and
grandpa’s corpse. Then while she’s following peasant gal’s footsteps she suddenly finds herself being pulled underground by some white haired
feral Morlock types called Sandmen who are apparently cannibals! Spike the peasant girl is there too and she lets Stinger know that she can read
minds! See, this is what I like about these movies… the dumb ass twists in the plot that make no sense at all unless you’ve smoked way too much
home-grown and have finished that second bottle of green ginger wine. Anyhow, Max Lite shows up to save them both just before they get the
chop and that’s the end of the Sandmen. Next we have a convoy of folk being attacked yet again by Scourge’s crew and Max and the gals come
along to discover the one survivor, a Filipino dwarf! No I haven’t made that up. Max Lite is now traveling with an ugly falconer, a peasant gal
who’s telepathic and a Filipino dwarf who just grunts. Peasant gal reads the little fella’s mind and finds out about the True Believers, a bunch of
nutters who are building a space ship so they can fly off to a new world and start again. The convoy was heading there with gasoline supplied by
the new government who call themselves The Ownership. Max Lite doesn’t think much of The Ownership and with a name like that I’m not
surprised. Anyway, Max Lite and Ugly go up in the dunes to shag while his little sister (remember her?) is being turned out for the troops by
Scourge and Fat Chuck who’ve both had their way with her and don’t want her anymore. Men are such bastards, even in the post nuclear world.
I bet they won’t even call her in the morning. But then Max Lite isn’t much better. He takes off in the morning without even saying goodbye to
Ugly, leaving just before Scourge and his minions launch an assault on the True Believers camp, blowing up the rocket ship, the believers and some
of the new government gits; but of course, not the ugly falconer, the dwarf or the peasant gal with remarkable 80’s hair. (Apparently in a post
nuclear world, ammunition, guns, mortars, leather shoulder pads and hairspray will still be in abundance.)
Max Lite sees the smoke and comes back post attack to find a dead bad guy wearing his Arlie’s necklace. Now he remembers what he was
supposed to be doing, rescuing his little sister. Peasant gal takes the necklace and senses where Arlie is. So Max Lite sneaks into the fortress
(seems they’ve left the ocean views behind – maybe the rent was too much.) to rescue her sperm covered ass. Of course he gets caught but
Scourge doesn’t kill him, instead he leaves him tied up while the minions go off for a showdown with The Ownership and their poorly paid extras.
Scourge is a fatalist it seems and he wants to get it over and done with now. He’s either going to win or lose but he’s tired of piddling about. Of
course the booby traps he’s set also give him an advantage. That is until Max Lite and sperm gal make their escape from the fortress and show up
to set the booby trap bombs off early. Sperm gal in fact sacrifices her life for the cause, pushing the plunger down with her dying breath (oh, and
her right hand) and setting off the explosives before the poorly paid extras arrive on the scene. Now I had thought he would have had a booby
trap set in a pass or a narrow canyon type scenario, you know, thus trapping the poorly paid extras and leaving them to be picked off by gunfire
but no… Scourge had the damn explosives on a wide open plain so I can’t see what he was going to do anyway. But what can you expect from a
guy with seriously bad (leather) shoulder pads? So the troops pour out of the troop carriers, (and let me tell you the sight of a peasant gal psychic
with great hair and a Filipino dwarf in a confederate cap charging out of a troop carrier is not something you see everyday) fire their cannons,
shoot their weapons and Scourge’s minions flee back to the fortress. Turns out peasant gal has got some moves too as she takes on the minions
in one on one knife to knife combat. You got to wonder though why she didn’t hang around to save grandpa if she was that handy with a blade.
There’s a big 80’s showdown between ugly falconer and fat chuck with both going over the parapet and Max Lite chasing down Scourge in their
V8s before he drives the car right on top of the bad guy. What, no fisticuffs? Anyway, the New Ownership wins, ugly falconer dies with a smile on
her face knowing that the bad guys are vanquished, peasant gal’s hair stays perfect and Max Lite drives off into the sunset (well, out of the
quarry) with the falcon in the air following him. What a man, what a movie!
So remember, in a post nuclear world there will still be lots of leather, hairspray, blonde bimbos, Filipino dwarves and weapons – which of course
also means we will still have MOTLEY CRUE!! So there is something to look forward to after all!
played by some nobody called Garry Watkins who looks a little like John Leslie slumming it. He drives around a barren wasteland in a suped up V8
with spikes on the front, a turbo in the back, a flame thrower on the roof and a smirk on his face. (Perhaps the smirk is because of how he looks a
little like John Leslie slumming it?)
The movie kicks off with Max Lite turning up at a nomad camp to see his leather clad little sister Arlie (played by Playboy playmate and Joystick’s
starlet Lynda Wiesmeier) she isn’t so little and has hooked up with some goose called Beau (but not the guy from Days of our Lives). There’s a bit
of a fight and Max Lite and Arlie have to do some serious driving/escaping whilst being pursued by the roll-cage cars and the bikes with guns
mounted on them and all that sort of post nuclear stuff. But of course, Max Lite has taught his sister well and they drive themselves out of trouble
after wasting a couple of car loads of leather bound grease monkeys because as we all know in the future when a bad guy’s car hits something or
rolls over it always explodes. Beau is a bit of a jerk though and when the siblings take separate roads to try and escape another roaming gang of
road pirates led by some bloke called Scourge (or Scorge depending on the dubbing) Beau insists on stopping for some nookie which results in a
crew of bad guys led by a fat Chuck Norris lookalike catching up with them. Beau shows his true colours then by offering Arlie and the car to the
bad guys thinking he can save his own ass but these guys bat both ways as Beau soon discovers. Fat Chuck however wants a piece of Arlie but
Scourge stops him because being the boss man he’s got first dibs and he hates having Fat Chuck’s sloppy seconds. Scourge and Fat Chuck take
Arlie back to their camp by the sea (huh? Where’s the desert gone?) via the scenic route with her tied topless to the bonnet of the car. The picnic
tables around sort of ruin the evil bad guy vibe but Scourge soon has Arlie tied up to a post and still topless while he tries his charms on her.
Scourge is played by Joseph Anderson (well that’s one of his names) who is one of the few people in this movie that seems to have gone on to do
anything else including direction, writing and production. Just thought I should mention that to try and score some nerd points. Back to the plot;
meanwhile Max Lite has beaten up some bad guys, put Beau out of his misery and rescued some tough chick called Stinger who has got herself
into a spot of bother with Scourge’s minions. Stinger is a falconer amongst other things. She’s also pretty damn ugly but I guess Max Lite has
spent a lot of time alone because he doesn’t seem to notice that.
We then cross to an old jalopy being chased by more of Scourge’s men (just how many minions does this fucker have?). Grandpa sends his
peasant gal granddaughter off into the dunes while he leads the bad guys the other way. The next morning Stinger comes across the jalopy and
grandpa’s corpse. Then while she’s following peasant gal’s footsteps she suddenly finds herself being pulled underground by some white haired
feral Morlock types called Sandmen who are apparently cannibals! Spike the peasant girl is there too and she lets Stinger know that she can read
minds! See, this is what I like about these movies… the dumb ass twists in the plot that make no sense at all unless you’ve smoked way too much
home-grown and have finished that second bottle of green ginger wine. Anyhow, Max Lite shows up to save them both just before they get the
chop and that’s the end of the Sandmen. Next we have a convoy of folk being attacked yet again by Scourge’s crew and Max and the gals come
along to discover the one survivor, a Filipino dwarf! No I haven’t made that up. Max Lite is now traveling with an ugly falconer, a peasant gal
who’s telepathic and a Filipino dwarf who just grunts. Peasant gal reads the little fella’s mind and finds out about the True Believers, a bunch of
nutters who are building a space ship so they can fly off to a new world and start again. The convoy was heading there with gasoline supplied by
the new government who call themselves The Ownership. Max Lite doesn’t think much of The Ownership and with a name like that I’m not
surprised. Anyway, Max Lite and Ugly go up in the dunes to shag while his little sister (remember her?) is being turned out for the troops by
Scourge and Fat Chuck who’ve both had their way with her and don’t want her anymore. Men are such bastards, even in the post nuclear world.
I bet they won’t even call her in the morning. But then Max Lite isn’t much better. He takes off in the morning without even saying goodbye to
Ugly, leaving just before Scourge and his minions launch an assault on the True Believers camp, blowing up the rocket ship, the believers and some
of the new government gits; but of course, not the ugly falconer, the dwarf or the peasant gal with remarkable 80’s hair. (Apparently in a post
nuclear world, ammunition, guns, mortars, leather shoulder pads and hairspray will still be in abundance.)
Max Lite sees the smoke and comes back post attack to find a dead bad guy wearing his Arlie’s necklace. Now he remembers what he was
supposed to be doing, rescuing his little sister. Peasant gal takes the necklace and senses where Arlie is. So Max Lite sneaks into the fortress
(seems they’ve left the ocean views behind – maybe the rent was too much.) to rescue her sperm covered ass. Of course he gets caught but
Scourge doesn’t kill him, instead he leaves him tied up while the minions go off for a showdown with The Ownership and their poorly paid extras.
Scourge is a fatalist it seems and he wants to get it over and done with now. He’s either going to win or lose but he’s tired of piddling about. Of
course the booby traps he’s set also give him an advantage. That is until Max Lite and sperm gal make their escape from the fortress and show up
to set the booby trap bombs off early. Sperm gal in fact sacrifices her life for the cause, pushing the plunger down with her dying breath (oh, and
her right hand) and setting off the explosives before the poorly paid extras arrive on the scene. Now I had thought he would have had a booby
trap set in a pass or a narrow canyon type scenario, you know, thus trapping the poorly paid extras and leaving them to be picked off by gunfire
but no… Scourge had the damn explosives on a wide open plain so I can’t see what he was going to do anyway. But what can you expect from a
guy with seriously bad (leather) shoulder pads? So the troops pour out of the troop carriers, (and let me tell you the sight of a peasant gal psychic
with great hair and a Filipino dwarf in a confederate cap charging out of a troop carrier is not something you see everyday) fire their cannons,
shoot their weapons and Scourge’s minions flee back to the fortress. Turns out peasant gal has got some moves too as she takes on the minions
in one on one knife to knife combat. You got to wonder though why she didn’t hang around to save grandpa if she was that handy with a blade.
There’s a big 80’s showdown between ugly falconer and fat chuck with both going over the parapet and Max Lite chasing down Scourge in their
V8s before he drives the car right on top of the bad guy. What, no fisticuffs? Anyway, the New Ownership wins, ugly falconer dies with a smile on
her face knowing that the bad guys are vanquished, peasant gal’s hair stays perfect and Max Lite drives off into the sunset (well, out of the
quarry) with the falcon in the air following him. What a man, what a movie!
So remember, in a post nuclear world there will still be lots of leather, hairspray, blonde bimbos, Filipino dwarves and weapons – which of course
also means we will still have MOTLEY CRUE!! So there is something to look forward to after all!
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